


Push and Pull

by luhlia



Series: Push and Pull [1]
Category: Avatar: Legend of Korra
Genre: Anxiety, F/M, Love Triangles, Multi, Teen Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-13
Updated: 2012-09-13
Packaged: 2017-11-14 03:44:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/510960
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/luhlia/pseuds/luhlia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Push and pull. It's not just with water-bending anymore. Everybody is doing it now.<br/>Post-The Aftermath.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Push and Pull

**Push and Pull**

Pema gives  _them_  the vacant rooms in  _her_  hallway, the one next from Tenzin's family's hallway, the hallway in which her room is and now it's _their_ hallway. There is no sense in labeling them that, really, but her mind just automatically creates the thought. She doesn't mind sharing, truly. (She's the one who invited  _them_  over remember.) Asami takes space in the room adjacent to hers while the brothers occupy the rooms opposite theirs.

She thinks crossing paths with  _them_  first thing in the morning won't be much of an ideal start for a good day.

She isn't bothered that Asami is just next door to her room. She isn't, truthfully.

No.

* * *

Asami apologizes to her.

Mako apologizes to her.

Bolin tries to make her laugh.

Jinora sneaks a glance, from Mako to her, from her to Mako.

Ikki giggles.

Meelo is Meelo.

Tenzin assures her and accommodates  _them._

Pema pats her back and comforts  _them._

Korra wonders of what Lin Bei Fong's doing.

They're all trying to do something and Korra ─ she ─ she doesn't know what she's trying to do.

 _Mako apologizes to her._  She is sorry too, but not for the same reason anymore.

Korra apologizes to Asami.

* * *

She doesn't spend too much time around them, instead she trains. And then meditate. Train, meditate, train, meditate, train, meditate, train, meditate…'cause that's all she's got to do because she's the Avatar, damn it. And she's supposed to master all the four elements but air is still out of her grasp, too far away, shapeless, refusing, unrelenting. Frustration is building up on her but she has to stay patient,  _patience Korra,_ that's what she needs. She needs to learn patience, has to have patience. And relax. But focused. Oh Spirits! How does one stays relaxed and focused at the same time she doesn't know.

Right foot. Left foot. Step. Step. Turn. And then back again.

Breathe. Relax. Focus.

Somebody disturbs the peace, and then she whirls around. She finds Mako.

A deep sigh. "Do you need anything?"

He is silent for a while before he says, "Pema asked me to fetch you for dinner."

She replies, "Of course."

They walk back to the house silently, her arms folded under her chest, his hands tucked inside his pockets. Fists filled with  _so many things_ they have yet to let go.

It surprises her that Mako takes the initiative. "Thank you for doing this for us."

Korra tilts her head. Doing what for them exactly? Coming from Mako it might mean a lot of things, but she settles with the most obvious.

"Yeah. You don't have to thank me over and over. It's nothing. I'm sure Tenzin and Pema's always glad to help. And that's what friends do, right?"

There is Over and Friends in one sentence, no, in the whole of what she said.  _Right._

Korra doesn't fail to notice how Mako winces. She pretends not to see it. She didn't mean any harm really.

She clears her throat.

"So, well… How do you all find living here in the island?" Small talk, Korra, small talk.

"Everyone's nice."

She nods. Well, among the acolytes and the White Lotus sentries there couldn't be anyone that's…oppressive. It reminds her that the people who live there apart from Tenzin's family (aside from creating a long line of air benders) have duties to fulfill and jobs to do.

She thinks of saying 'sorry that we don't have personal servants' but that's so bad, or 'there's no pool here but there's a great place to swim too with fresh water' but that's not better either and she isn't sure if she's willing to share that place with  _them,_ or maybe 'how's Asami?' but that might be a bit too intruding, or maybe she should just shut up because she's never really good at sociable talk with Mako or with people in general. She hadn't had practice since she's cooped up in a compound with sentries and old masters so she didn't have any friends before, _okay_.

So shut up it is.

"I've always wondered how it would be like living here." Mako mutters in a soft tone he hasn't used around her for a while. Korra wonders what is Mako's tone like when he talks to just Asami.

When they arrive in the dining room everyone's already taken their places. Korra sits on the other edge of the table opposite Tenzin, her usual spot. Bolin is at her left. Mako to her right beside Meelo and across him is Asami.

The table looks too crowded.

They, minus her, talk about things appropriate for dinner and appropriate for children. Tenzin updates them on the status of the city (only the positive of course) and Pema (Korra notices) makes sure that the additional three fits in, like family. And she thinks that she feels like she wants to see her mother and father and Katara and that she misses home.

Mako says something not broody and not uptight and it uplifts Asami that she smiles. Pema glances at her with a sad knowing look but she looks down and shakes her head. She wants to say 'no, no Pema. You've got it all wrong 'cause you're not just like me. You're more like Asami, the sweet and gentle kind. I'm more like Lin, almost, somehow, barely. And Mako's a terrible Tenzin.' But she doesn't and she won't, not even later or the next time they talk.

Everyone takes notice of her not-so-typical silence. She tells them she's tired. Very tired, and she really is.

Korra begins building forts.

* * *

On the next days, not spending too much time with  _them_  becomes totally avoiding  _them._  And it helps, a lot, that Pema makes  _them_ preoccupied enough that they don't feel helpless and 'useless' as Mako had put it. But Bolin shows up because he loves to show up and because he just likes sticking around with her whenever he grumbles 'hate being the third wheel.' It makes her want to snap or stomp him with earth bending, but because he's Bolin she doesn't.

Korra just grits her teeth.

She stops meditating for his sake and they talk, meaning  _normal_  talk and not the awkward talk, for about a good fifteen minutes but then he springs the Mako stuff and then the Asami stuff, and Hiroshi Sato, and Tahno, and the Equalists, and Amon, and then she loses it. She stands up abruptly and Bolin apologizes (there's much too freaking sorry around her and it's sickening).

She walks away from Bolin with a hurried excuse of 'I have to go somewhere.' She just needs to go some place where there's no stifling air involving the guilt, and the burden, the disappointment, the frustration, and Mako. Air Temple Island is just too small.

* * *

She has always been in perpetual motion so being still for too long is such a torture and if she meditates even a minute more she just might explode. She has to do something, some pushing, yes, she needs something to push herself more or an avatar thing that will make her feel as if she's made some progress, as miniscule as it maybe. So she sets out for the city's streets despite Tenzin's warning.

She finds herself strolling once again central park, alone this time, and she unsuspectingly sees Tahno there. He is leaning on the bridge with his shoulders hunched and his sights set on the water streaming below. She approaches him.

"Hey Tahno…"

He shifts his head in her direction and an acknowledging light passes his eyes.

"Oh, hey Avatar…"

He looks at her and waits. She licks her lips and then does a double take when she realizes she has no idea what to say. She scratches her head.

"How have you been?" She asks and she really has to learn how to not be so straightforward too.

Tahno doesn't seem to mind. "I'm… so-so, I guess."

"I've heard about the Satos."

She grimaces. "Yeah, that."

Tahno sensing the shift in the atmosphere changes the subject. "Should you be walking around alone? Where's your…polar bear-dog and your ferrets  _friends_?"

 _Friends._  Apparently, when shit hits the fan they can't be friends anymore. She can't blame them though. And she isn't going to tell any of this to Tahno. (Well, at least there's still Bolin.)

"It's not like I'm banned in this city. Its fine, I can handle myself." She smiles at him. His lips curl up a bit.

"So what brought you here? Don't you have Avatar duties?"

"And you had to remind me." She says bitterly. "That's the problem: I don't know what to do. I'm out of ideas and nobody's telling me." (Not Aang or the other past Avatars, not even Tenzin or Lin. Tarlokk doesn't count 'cause he drives her crazy with his  _suggestions._ )

Tahno looks at her skeptically with a raised brow. "Well, that makes the two of us. I have no idea what to do either, especially with my hands."

Korra looks at his hands and sure it  _is_  trembling and as if trying to reach out – for water.

"Snap." She says, and it's like word vomit. She didn't even have to think about it.

"What?"

"I said: Snap your fingers. Like this." She shows him, the left first then the right. And she's got both her fingers busy snapping. Tahno doesn't follow her but he shakes his head and chuckles.

"Nice idea." The sarcasm is there but not as biting as it was before when they were…competitors. Now it's like a joke. "I'll try that, maybe, but don't blame me if it gets awfully annoying and I'm arrested for bothering others by snapping continuously."

She looks at her own hands, finds  _she isn't_ stopping, can't stop snapping so she curls her fists and then wiggle her hands.

_Exhale._

"Yeah, yeah." She laughs awkwardly.

"I'm sure you'll come around. You'll figure it out, what to do when the time comes. You're the Avatar." Tahno offers her a smile but it doesn't reach his eyes, not yet. She wishes that she could have that same conviction other people have on her so she'll feel alright, relieved, making some progress. But all she has is confidence and Amon had put a hole in it.

"Thanks. You too, I think, you'll figure it out."

"Thanks Korra."

Guilt comes crawling back.

* * *

She's brushing Naga's fur and he is suddenly there, taking space, hovering, and she gets the urge to shrug, shrug, shrug him off. She doesn't turn nor does she acknowledge his presence, she just pats Naga's head and leads the polar bear-dog to lie down. When Naga settles her head on her paws to sleep and close her eyes she whispers her goodnight.

She passes by him, he follows. And then their footsteps are in rhythm. Korra looks down at her feet, and count. One. Two. Three. And then add Asami. Four. Plus Bolin, he makes a Five. She takes the five steps. The distance is so off she could put another person in between them, space, no not space but Bolin or Asami.

She stops near the edge of a cliff, the one where she usually sits to stare at Aang's statue and wait to see if it would eventually talk to her, if only it would. She sits down and folds her legs under her but not to meditate. Mako puts himself beside her. The air in between them crackles with static. Korra counts again. One. It can't be just one, so she counts once more; one, two, three, four, five. She moves. There, it's a five. She doesn't know why it has to be a five but it just has to be.

Mako looks at her, probably wondering about her blatant display of moving away from him. She doesn't say anything but she stretches her arms upwards and pops her back and neck muscles. He gazes back to the statue.

"I'm sorry." He says, and she heaves a disappointed sigh.

"You keep saying that."

"I know but I just… I don't know what else to say."

Korra stares at her palms, curl and uncurl it.

"You don't have to."

"But we need to talk. At least that's what I think. It feels different with us now."

Of course it's different. She has crossed boundaries and he has burned bridges.

"But we don't have to."

"Korra…" He says, exasperated. She imagines how gentle his voice would be with Asami's name.

"I don't know what to say too." She admits. "I don't know what to do either. I keep trying to do things but it doesn't get me anywhere. I don't even know where to start."

Mako doesn't have an answer for her because the concept of being the Avatar is so lost in him; she has proven it when he accused her of framing Hiroshi on terms of jealousy. He has no idea, how an Avatar should not favor friends or its motherland over balance and peace. She has Roku as prime example.

The thought makes Mako narrow-minded in her eyes so she lets it go. She knows he's better than that. She is tired again, so she picks up the sticks that would line up as fences in her fort, and then earth would be next. Earth is a good stronghold, she remembers. Like the walls of Ba Sing Sei.

She assumes her meditation stance, straightens her back and closes her eyes.

" _Go_  to sleep Mako."

"Not until you return too."

She lacks restraint her masters say, so she would love for them to see how much restrain she could muster around this boy.

"You're distracting me."

"I'll be quiet."

"No, you're not." She counters and there is no answer. He  _is_ quiet. It annoys her.

She thinks of push and pull. Water is push and pull. Earth is strength and stability. Fire is breath and control. Air is invisible, untouchable, still unknown, she can't harness it.

Push and pull. Water has volume, fitting into shape of its container. Earth takes space. Air is encompassing. Fire, fire burns, it spreads and consumes, until there is nothing.

 _Push._ She concentrates on push.

Breathe. In. Out. Patience. Relax. Focus. In. Out.

"You should be with Asami."

"She's asleep."

She so wants to snap at him with,  _that's why you're here now?_  But Patience. Relax. Focus.

"She needs you.  _I don't._ " Korra makes sure it drips enough venom.

Mako grabs both her arms and tugs her close to him. Her eyes crack open and she is face to face with him, breaths away from each other exchanging glares.

"You're avoiding us! And now that I've come after you to talk you push me away! What is wrong with you? We want to help."

"You can't help! And like I said,  _I don't need you!_ " She yells, and she hopes that they don't wake anyone 'cause its going to be a terrible mess. "And I'm not avoiding you! I'm trying to do my job, empowering my use. I can't be a decorative Avatar forever. Unlike you I can't have a normal life."

They are silent for a moment. It's either Mako is digesting the fact about her duties and responsibilities or the words about not needing him, nonetheless, she can feel her heart hammer in her chest and hear it pound in her ears.

Korra disentangles herself from Mako's grip as she remembers space, space, space. Matter takes space and she has to count again. But she doesn't, instead she sheds off her boots. She stands and unravels the strings of her pelt. Her trousers go too and she is left with just her shorts and sleeveless top. She doesn't bother with the tie in her hair. She walks down the edge.

"What are you doing?" Mako asks, confused or surprised or worried she doesn't know. She isn't looking at him.

"Cliff diving." She answers, and then she jumps.

She takes the fall, rushing and fast and full of adrenaline, the air surging very loud and very strong past her. She doesn't feel it. It doesn't dance on her fingers and doesn't go through within her unlike the other elements. It just passes her by and she wishes so much for it to engulf her.

She doesn't water bend the impact like she usually does, this time she takes the lashes that water gives her. She stays down for a while before going up until she feels the need to breath. When she opens her eyes she sees Mako hovering by the edge looking for her. She floats on her back and enjoys the way water sways and licks her skin. She hears a splash and when she straightens up Mako is there, swimming towards her. She resists the urge to water bend him back up the cliff.

"You're crazy." He says once his near.

"You're crazy for following."

He is shivering and Korra knows he's putting much effort into preventing his teeth from chattering. The water  _is_ cold after all. Not to mention they are swimming in the middle of the night.

"Let's get back before you catch a cold." She makes her way to swim towards the rocky wall of the cliff when she feels his hand on her arm again.

"Wait…"

She twists around to look at him. A silent  _what?_  written on her face.

"I'm alright." He mutters.

Korra shakes her head.

"I'm sorry." He says yet again and before she could say anything he adds, "I just can't shake it away."

She is silent. She knows how that feels, but hearing a heap of sorry is just too much and it's like Tenzin's sighs of disappointment (on her) and it's suffocating.

"I just forget sometimes that you're the Avatar. To me you're…more of Korra."

She doesn't know why her throat burns from his statement or why her heart beats like the size of a sky-bison. She just knows that her fingers are tingling again and if only they were on land she has probably started snapping them. And her lips, oh her lips, feels the ghost of a memory of a shared kiss.

Her hands unable to snap seek their way to his chest and then to his shoulders. Mako pulls her flush against him and puts their foreheads together. She knows she has to push, push, and push but she doesn't. She couldn't find the will to.

" _I_  want to forget that I'm Korra, because most of the time I don't feel like the Avatar. It feels more like a title. I don't get things done and I'm supposed to do  _more_."

"You do things, a lot."

It's a nice attempt for Mako to cheer her up but they both don't know how it should go because it's Bolin's job to cheer her up. It's a bad excuse for closure because they can't seem to end anything as they always return to the start. And Asami's there too. Mako's breath is on hers that she can almost taste it and their lips are oh so painfully close. She pulls away. She remembers.

She remembers.

She counts again.

One is for Pain. Two is for Guilt. Three is for Regret. Four is for Asami. And Five is for Bolin. Tahno makes Six. Tahno's weary burdened face, how could she forget?

Korra swims away from him. She earth bends a makeshift stair on the façade of the cliff.

"Let's go." She calls to him, her voice as cold as the water.

When they reach the top she dries them with water bending and scurries to dress up. She walks back to the house briskly and Mako has to sprint on a few steps to be at pace with her.

"Korra…" He begins. She will have none of it though.

"I meant what I said."

Mako reaches out for her hand or her shoulder or her arm again she doesn't know. But there is One Two Three Four Five and a Six. So he fails.

"I…" He tries again.

"Asami needs you."  _I don't need you,_ is left to hang loudly and they hear it both.

Pushing and pulling, she thinks, it's a thing now. It's not just with water bending anymore.

* * *

Sometime ago,  _them_  was Mako and Bolin. And then  _them_  became Mako and Bolin plus Korra. Now,  _them_ is Mako with Asami, and Bolin.

To Korra, labeling becomes a habit, building forts a leisure, and counting an obsession.

So she trains and meditates. Breathe. She has to learn how to not drown in air.


End file.
